death

life is most interesting when occurrences of the most unexpected nature occur.

we live knowing a certain fact about life - that life must end at some time. however delusional we are about our invincibility, we still know that one day it will all come to an end. there is fear associated with death. whether it is of the unknown, hell, or of leaving our dearly beloveds behind, there is certain fear. i am not afraid of death. i am, however, afraid of the painful course you must traverse in order to achieve death. my family has recently received the untimely news of my dad's cancer and his certain death. he is now at the fourth stage of metastatic colon cancer which has spread to and nearly taken over all of his liver. i will not pretend to love my father any more than i did before i found out this bit of news. he is still the same selfish, greedy, boot-licking father with aggression control issues. but i can now say that i do love him and enjoy reminiscing over childhood memories of him. i cannot understand my inability to accept his impending death. he was never much of a father in terms of what a model father should be. you know, the ABC friday special of full house and family matters type. yes, my father was far from that. and i have caught myself on many occasions wishing his early retirement into the netherworld. so why the sadness now? i feel like i wasn't given enough time. enough time to what? to be a better daughter. to love and respect him. to mature into a better daughter. i know that i am incapable of being that super daughter that he wants. i am just not mature enough. so i always thought, after i have children, i can relate to him more. i will be more patient, i will not be so easily annoyed, i will not argue with him. but i guess my time is up. i am so much of him, i hate myself. and now, all i can think about is the pain that awaits him. master wong, the mighty and powerful, the manliest macho man i know will be lying in a hospital bed staring at glaring fluorescent lights awaiting death, cold and frail. will i be there when he takes his last breath? how thin will he have gotten? my wicked thoughts of torturing him when he barred me from my wants surface. they say it's never too late to redeem yourself, but what's the point of doing so when judgement is knocking on your door? i'm so lost. somebody help me.