ever feel like hiding from the world?
to close your eyes and melt away into that questionable soul?
feel the darkness of your heart slowly creep out over your skin
stretching over every pore of your being
reaching toward your limbs pulled by your own misery
to let that darkness of dispair envelope you whole and disappear?
what relief

my body aches to bleed
it wants to feel that dark maroon sliding carelessly down its hands
slowly
my eyes want to watch the pain slip out slowly
each drip increases the pleasure, the euphoria, the satisfaction of knowing the end is near.
and my lips long to curl up in that last, final arrogant smirk of success

i just saw something incredibly humbling. two little girls no older than ten each were searching through the recycling bins behind my apartment complex for clothes. they were having such a ball, giggling and all. but you still think of the implications of why they have to do something like that. in the suburbs, it's probably because they're making a game of searching for lost treasures, but here, in an apartment complex full of section 8 tenants, you know it's because their parents can't afford anymore than what they have.

eASt COasT!!!

went over to the east coast for the first time last weekend. it was fun. i enjoyed listening to the natives amusing accentics the most. i liked interacting with cab drivers and sales people just to hear them pronounce different common day words.

and the idea of going was what made it satisfying. something that sparked in my head that said go, and i went. that was that. i suppose it was more the idea that captivated me than actually the trip itself. the romanticism associated with just being able to do as you please. no amount of money in the world can buy that.

we went to different historical spots like the liberty bell (disappointing) and random museums (also disappointing). didn't go to independence hall because it was just way too hot. well, not hot, just really really humid. we took a walking ghost tour at night that walked us around the old city of philly mainly consisting of old historical spots. told us of ghost encounters with the famous dead. pretty nice. and the prize of the trip? a late night outting to geno's steaks famous for their philly cheesesteaks. they were mm mmm good. i was satisfied. i got a mushroom wiz steak wit- or at least that's what i think it's called since i didn't have the guts to order my own steak. there's supposed to be a special way to order them, but i lack the knowledge so i didn't even bother trying. basically, i got a philly cheesesteak with mushrooms, onions, and cheese wiz for the cheese of my choice. it was sooo good. =D yes, that was how good it was, it deserves a gigantic smiley. even so, i still think it lacked grease which means it's still lacking in taste. oh well.

went rafting. was loads of fun. wish i had pictures to look at.

drove for two plus hours to cache creek (the creek) to go rafting early morning saturday. after rafting orientation, sat in a two person boat and learned the meaning of teamwork. after some minor bumping of ego issues, it was smooth sailing. returned to camp to set up tent for the night. had yummy hors d'oeuvres, over spiced dry chicken, corn on the cobb, and a baked potato. played some cards on a fob style bamboo floor mat. disco night with glow sticks and blaring music was surprisingly fun. had the best sleep i've had in about a month. woke up early sunday to wrap up tent and have breakfast. eggs and ham with potatoes wrapped in a tortilla, surprisingly good. did more rafting. team wong beat out team le and tsan. le and tsan does not spell victory no matter how you reletter the two words. returned to san jose to some yummy pho. all in all, a great trip.

items found in river:

-one half frozen unopened bottle of arrowhead water
-one bag of someone's lunch
-one middle-aged man

wish i found twenty bucks instead, but those items were good enough consolation finds.