despondant.

i am an incompetent worker
i am an insolent daughter
i am a socially inept friend

oh what joy life can be

i am also an aunt who does not know her nephew's name...

...

eek!!! it's brandon! it's brandon!! *smile*
at least it's not that bad.

beautiful thoughts of memories gone wild. sunflowers and clouds mixed with dark gowns and tassels. people who cared and people who couldn't. another chapter closed as another book opens. seconds turning into minutes turning into hours turning into days... ticking away. slowing down and hurrying up. facing up and laying down.

and the countdown continues. impatience colors my eyes as i wait. faze out.

i have a hidden quality. i can zone out whenever i want to, where nothing can get to me. i won't be scared, or mad, or happy, or anything. i simply faze out of this world. it feels like going under... underneath and hiding somewhere. i just tell myself to stop and that's it. i stop and collapse underneath where i hide under my skin. unfeeling. it's gotten harder and harder to snap out of it, though. maybe it's a dangerous quality to realize...

i need to feel needed.
i need to feel wanted.

chivalry is definitely not overrated.

addiction. being away from home is pure addiction. the end of july seems to be too long of a wait. i want to leave now.

a tisket a tasket

everything is set. perfect timing. tony is getting kicked out of the country since he can't seem to find a job that will offer him some sort of temporary citizenship thing and that leaves sunny without a roomie. so i jump in at the chance. my can't move out since she's a spender and her mere 25k yearly doesn't even cover her monthly expenses, let alone rent and utilities. how everything seems to fall into place so nicely. so end of july marks my independence. a little scared, but more excited. i just need to learn how to manage my finances a little more wisely. how is it possible not to survive on 30k yearly? immigrants can feed a family of five on minimum wages so i should be able to save for a car, house, and pay off my moms. end of july... but i must remember to factor in the consequences that were rendered through my irresponsibility. that's going to be a total bitch. ecka crap.

interesting, the way things turn out. so i will be off on my own now. exciting and a bit scary, but definitely long overdue. intentions are what we perceive ourselves to be, but the actions or inactions that we take are what define us. i'm tired of being so petty, but when i let it go, you make me want to be petty. i don't want to be apart of you anymore. i hurt hurting you, but you hurt me more when i let you in. what do you want me to do? and so i flee.

update

overinflated sense of self-worth elicits pettiness.
over-rationalization of relational issues is a bad idea.
depression only takes over if you allow it to.
my dad is still an asshole.
incompetence and narrow-mindedness are top two pet peeve.
if you don't push yourself, you won't be proud of your achievments.

Written on Saturday, December 24, 2005

As Christmas passes, another year of my life is wasted. Realizations of youth passing too fast come to mind. Life passed before my eyes and I finally understand that life might be worth living afterall. But even with so many people surrounding me, I still feel lonely. Chronic depression is a bitch. Perhaps everyone's loneliness is surpressed during this celebration of christ's birthday.

I miss the party scene. If every time I am away from him I feel relief, does that mean we shouldn't be together? I love him so much, but is it only because I feel we've been together for so long? Is it really love or a fear of being alone? I don't know if I can give up this way of life. Vacation and being so far away gives some time to think clearly.

you did it again. the one thing i was looking forward to here. i had kept my hopes down for so long. i had warned myself against thinking it. i had told myself that it would not be possible. but you seemed so sincere, i let you in. i even played with the thought in my mind, that we could co-exist. but you did it again. you selfish, selfish bastard. such an insignificant matter. but it meant so much to me. the one thing i wanted here. only one thing. i thought you knew. but i guess you didn't care.

i want to, but i can't. i just can't. so fragile. i don't want to be like this anymore. not with you. the both of you. i want to so much. just to be normal with the both of you. you make it so hard. i do too. you've hurt me so much. everything you do now hurts me so much. no matter the degree of significance. i don't want to be like this. why is it so hard?

i feel like such a big baby. it shouldn't matter.

mesmerized. those eyes that cut through my cynicism.

ready to start a new journey?

i want to pursue a serious commiment.