you know who this is for

are you sure you're talking about our dad or are just deluded into thinking dad was there? nevermind the fact - and i'm going to have to stress fact - that he wasn't there enough physically to push anything, but that he wasn't really there mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually. your relationship right now with him might be somewhat on better terms than what it was just a couple of years ago, but do not lie to yourself into thinking he had made a positive impact on your life. unless, of course, you're thinking you now have the drive to do whatever it is you need to do. in which case, this trait was probably due to the lack of attention he showed his kids. he really wasn't there enough to coddle you with attention so you had to excel in someway in the past for him to notice, then, you are not talking about something positive. you are talking about low-self esteem issues that you try to cover up by trying to be the best at whatever it is that you do in order to get attention. not that great of a personality trait if you ask me.

As for your relationship with dad now? i can only tell you what i had with him when he first moved back. it was very superficial. overly kind because we were strangers. he was acting as - what society deems of how - a dad should act. caring but not overbearing. understanding. and all of those good traits peeled away as the months wore on only to reveal what he always was: just an asshole who puts himself above all others. his suppose'd mental and moral superiority over everyone else sets him in a god like position within his minion (mom). his all encompassing hypocrisy drives me insane as i watch him belittle probably the one person who actually cares about him. everything about him is for show. to show the world what a great person he is, how the world should grovel at his feet for his utter and pure excellence.

i'm sorry, i don't think the light of dad shines in quite the same fashion with me as it does with you. ohhh, and on recent number crunchings of what i owe them and what they owe me, it has been calculated that within five years of working part time jobs, i have given them roughly $46,000. but of course, i still owe them everything i make and will make, seeing as how i'm such a bad daughter and am good for nothing but monetary income. so i've decided to take it slow in the repaying my debt department, since of course, i will have their whole life to pay them back. oh joy. i can only look forward to all the 'what, you're only giving me one third of your paycheck?!?!' lines that are waiting around the corner. i can hardly contain myself. oh, the joy.