And so it is, just like you said it would be...

lost and grumpy, where did he go? always close to the bar. you spotted him despite my inconclusive descriptions. he warmed my heart with his drunken greetings. no wonder i kept him around. feel like devious school children sneaking off to play hooky. it was nice seeing him again, i'm glad you came with me.

secluded and all alone. a majestic place where waves can crash spontaneouly on rocks. where street lights give the hint of romance and stars roam freely about. so cold yet so warm. a place of comtemplation. a place that won my heart.

sun-kissed california with girls in shorts on rollerblades. sea water creeps hesitatingly to her toes. they wade closer to that missed sensation, where open hearts can reconnect. cheers and screams fade into the distance as her mind reminisces and her lips speak of the present.
-i've missed you.

we sit there, in front of that symbol, so close yet so far. where countless others have reached out their hands only to fall down from the skies. that symbol of american fantacism clashed with our hong kong triad gangster looks. the sun sets over mother nature. an odd view to be beholden in a metropolitan of cement and electricity.

simple joy from activities deemed boring by others. a night at home building words from letters that make no sense. just to be there is enough. no further words needed but humbly accepted if given.

as the golden globe of a new day shies away from the night, she sits there, huddled so closely to him. heart pounding with anticipation, she looks to the open skies. spectrum of colors painted there like her own emotions. a timid look into his eyes melted her heart. and there it was, the look that cracked her. a kiss that broke her.

my first concert (-_*)

written on Monday, May 8, 2006

It's been awhile... everything's been happening all at once. It feels like I have all the time in the world and yet, time seems to be traveling at a pace too fast for me to catch up to.

Where did it all go? The childhood innocence, the teenage memories... too fast, too fast. I suppose you have to swap one with the other. Freedom from burden for worries with age. Nothing in life can be all perfectly good.

I've travelled this road one too many times. I'm tired. Maybe it is with age that you enjoy the simpler things in life. To take life slower, to just enjoy the day, the sun, the night. To think the excitement of life is no longer appealing at age 22. Who am I to say such things? Maybe when you are just content at basking in the sun's warm glow. Everything seems so much brighter, clearer, sharper.

The end of me is the beginning of me. I've taken this road one too many times. Find me. I'm lost. Why is that so hard to do? Where did I go? I'm still here, aren't I? Maybe I've sunken in too deep now. Break me out. Wake me up from my slumbering heart, so I can fill my fingers and toes with that soul I've been accused of not having.

Tick away clock, I'm not afraid of you anymore.

it had always came back to the same things, it always did. why should i have expected any different?

you perch atop a sky of varying luminosity. wide-eyed, you sit there, seducing the coldest of hearts. unattainable stars of unwelcoming heights, why do you tease me with your beauty only to let the day take you away? find me again and lull me into your seduction. blindly, willingly, take me away.

what is it that we really want?

discussing relational issues with a friend lately made me think about my declarations about what it is i really want in terms of love. sometimes i can describe so clearly what i'm looking for, and at other times it's just a muddied picture of a distant future that seems all the more unattainable with each passing day. maybe whittling down such ideals into perfection in this department of your vision isn't as good of an idea as it seems to be, but having no ideals at all will not work either. you end up having something you thought you wanted, but really didn't. there's no point in that. deep rationalization of certain things should just not be done.

it won't go away, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try. i am demented. endless loops of everything. go away, go away. i don't want you here, here in my perfect world of nothingness. why do you keep returning? you are not invited, you are not welcome. leave me to me. leave me to my own savagery.

things i hate about myself:

too much pride to spare.
endless loops of depression
being a whore to my depression
attention whoring
trivializing matters that are important
blowing up trivial matters
know-nothing-smart-ass'd-ness
show-boating
passionless
cold-heartedness
contradiction
uncontrollable emotional outbursts
big mouth
lazy procrastinator

you know who this is for

are you sure you're talking about our dad or are just deluded into thinking dad was there? nevermind the fact - and i'm going to have to stress fact - that he wasn't there enough physically to push anything, but that he wasn't really there mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually. your relationship right now with him might be somewhat on better terms than what it was just a couple of years ago, but do not lie to yourself into thinking he had made a positive impact on your life. unless, of course, you're thinking you now have the drive to do whatever it is you need to do. in which case, this trait was probably due to the lack of attention he showed his kids. he really wasn't there enough to coddle you with attention so you had to excel in someway in the past for him to notice, then, you are not talking about something positive. you are talking about low-self esteem issues that you try to cover up by trying to be the best at whatever it is that you do in order to get attention. not that great of a personality trait if you ask me.

As for your relationship with dad now? i can only tell you what i had with him when he first moved back. it was very superficial. overly kind because we were strangers. he was acting as - what society deems of how - a dad should act. caring but not overbearing. understanding. and all of those good traits peeled away as the months wore on only to reveal what he always was: just an asshole who puts himself above all others. his suppose'd mental and moral superiority over everyone else sets him in a god like position within his minion (mom). his all encompassing hypocrisy drives me insane as i watch him belittle probably the one person who actually cares about him. everything about him is for show. to show the world what a great person he is, how the world should grovel at his feet for his utter and pure excellence.

i'm sorry, i don't think the light of dad shines in quite the same fashion with me as it does with you. ohhh, and on recent number crunchings of what i owe them and what they owe me, it has been calculated that within five years of working part time jobs, i have given them roughly $46,000. but of course, i still owe them everything i make and will make, seeing as how i'm such a bad daughter and am good for nothing but monetary income. so i've decided to take it slow in the repaying my debt department, since of course, i will have their whole life to pay them back. oh joy. i can only look forward to all the 'what, you're only giving me one third of your paycheck?!?!' lines that are waiting around the corner. i can hardly contain myself. oh, the joy.