my mom had surgery yesterday, i didn't even know. i'm a horrible daughter. this incident kicked in another realization about myself. i've always known i was heartless, why else would i be the only one not thinking about my brother in iraq? i thought i didn't care. this mom incident and an e-mail i received from him on his last trip to iraq showed me otherwise. i guess i do care. why else would i be sitting here thinking i'm a horrible daughter? i've come to realize that in my little cold, black heart, i seal away a lot of secret emotions. so secret that i don't even know about them myself. and everytime some sort of stressful thought that has any relation to my family comes up, i rationalize them away. but this only happens with my family, no one else. why? mmmm... i only know too well. this only shows that all my so-called dysfunctional perspectives derive from my family. thank you for making me so screwy. i have yet to meet someone who tells me i'm normal.

everytime i think about *you*, i have to divert my attention away to something else. its too much. i can't handle it. i'm much happier this way. i think *you* now fall into that secret emotions section of my heart.