i've been rather tired lately, but happy. truly happy. well, not completely so, but i doubt anyone can ever truly be happy. i think i might be overexerting myself a bit, but i think life should be led in that fashion. always push for the goal, always push just a little harder. i'm glad i've finally put this belief into action. i guess my little phone ornament thing is working. know what you want and don't be afraid to shoot for it.

Heighwei Rob
Don't have the guts to take the next step?
Highwei Rob never worries too much about
outcome. He follows his heart and runs for it!

hey there,

long time no see

long time no talk

just wondering - that you are ok

a part of me knows that you are

and that i am happy for you - that you made the right
choice.

you should know too - that i am ok.

the reason why i'm emailing you?  just worried about
you, that's all.  i
dont' know why i should be worrying - because you can
get negative and
because you are such a manic depressive - which i
could've contributed to...
but regardless -

i want to know - not that you are superficially ok,
but that you are.

hope that work is going great - and that you are
keeping your eyes open for
potential lifelong happiness...  it's about being
happy, ying-ying - that is
what i would want for you.

i don't know if that is what i want - but i sure have
thought about it a
lot.  i hope you don't feel any guilt whatsoever - of
us, of what used to be
- but you were right.  you did what you had to do.

and i thank you for it.

always.

henry



-if it could only be possible for me to express my
appreciation for what you have contributed to my life.
i am straighter now, much clearer. i know what it
is that i want and exactly how to obtain those goals.
because of you, i know who i am. there really are no
words to express how i feel. i can only hope the
best for you as you did me. 

body damage count...

1 twisted ankle
2 pulled hamstring thingies
2 pulled shoulders
both left and right neck muscles pulled
5 bruises on the right leg
1 tiny bruise on the right wrist
1 giant bruise on the left butt cheek
1 sunburned face
and aches and pains everywhere else.

i had a blast!

snowboarding day!!! woot woot!!!

calm and mellow. i'm detached. i'm not here. i'm not there. i'm nowhere.

i've found that writing is more appealing when life throws you those extreme ups and downs. i like LA, or rather, i like observing the people who live in LA.

thanks with much love, i had a blast.

i catch myself slipping, i watch myself fall. i can feel myself sliding, but i can't help it at all. i don't think i want to, i don't think i care to. a mixture of everything, a mixture of nothing. its time to let go, it's time to move on. i'm no longer me, i'm no longer you. its time to go now, its time to leave now.

Broken

by Jack Johnson

"with everything ahead of us, we left
everything behind
but nothin that we needed at least
not at this time and now
the feelin that im feelin, well
is feelin like my life is finally mine
and with nothin to go back to
we just continue to drive

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

i didnt know what i was lookin for so i
didnt know what id find
i didnt know what i was missin i guess
youd been just a little too kind
and if i find just what i need
put a little peace in my mind
maybe you been lookin too
or maybe you dont even need to try

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

with everything in the past
fadin faster and faster until it was gone
found out i was losin so much more
than i knew all along

but everything i been workin for
only worth nickels and dimes
but if i had a minute for every hour that i wasted
id be rich and kind
id be doin fine

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side"

why do my parents do these things?

so i go out to buy my dad medicine for his allergies, a specific type that he wants but does not know the name to, nor does he know what the box looks like. all he knows is that it was a brand put forth by walgreens and that it should cost no more than four dollars for three hundred or so pills. so i go and ask the pharmacist if such an allergy pill exists, she claims that it is not possible to buy anything over a hundred pills over the counter. that's fine then, i'll look on the rack outside to see if there is anything that comes close to what my dad is looking for. found the walgreens brand section, but am a little skeptical to how well it works, so i buy the most expensive one (which is still only five bucks) that seems to have the most fighting power. bring it home to my dad and head into my room. two minutes later, dad knocks on the door:

"so i take two pills every two hours?"

"no, you take two pills every four hours."

"what!!!! two pills every four hours?!?!? isn't that excessive? why do i have to take so many? (accusatory tone, like i bought the wrong brand purposefully to make his life more miserable) i should only have to take one for every eight hours!"

"(inquisitive look) did you want me to go back and get you another box? what would you like me to do about that?"

"no, i'm just asking, that's all... how much was the medicine?"

"around five dollars"

"what?!?!?! five dollars???? how can it be so expensive?!?!? (degrading tone, as if i was too stupid to know what medicine costs)

(glare from me as i close the door on him)


is it actually possible to do something without being criticized for? what is the point of that conversation? do they actually know that they're making me feel bad? what the heck? i'm sure they would never want to hurt my feelings on purpose, but what was the point for saying something like that? what?!?!?! this is the reason i don't like doing things for them. why does it bother me so much?

nothing ever seems to be enough... i feel like crying.


i know that you don't want to argue
i know that you are tired
i know that you had a rough day
i don't want to trouble you with what i have to say
i'm known to rant about them for hours on end
i am known to have beautiful days only to have it turned into a day i'm ready to take own my life because of them
it only takes one word from them
one sound... and i can be down

- Eloisa to Abelard (excerpt)

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n."

- Alexander Pope


...speachless

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. what a beautiful way to describe happiness. i'm so conflicted by this movie. i want to say that we can only feel what we know, what we remember. but aren't memories of what we went through the things that make us what we are today? ignorance is bliss... i guess that's the point of the movie, or at least the point the movie wants to disprove. maybe that is why i'm so conflicted, because it is one of my core beliefs. thinking about joel and his imaginary emotional outbursts creates a tornado of emotions within myself. i guess i will just say that it is a great movie and leave the rest in my head.

religious nonsensical bastards

was talking to my happy co-worker today during lunch. i've finally found the ups of lunch: the day goes by much faster. i usually stay past five anyway, might as well take off in the middle of the day. anyway, i digress.

we were having a pretty good conversation about nothing in particular when he starts talking about church... damn it. why do the ones i'm cool with always have to be so damned religious. and so we begin. the whole i-don't-believe-in-anything speech yet again. and of course, now i have to hear why i should believe and that life without meaning makes no sense, blah blah crap. i don't understand these people. i let you go on your cheery little way, why won't you let me go on mine? why attack my beliefs? i haven't even started on yours yet. don't look at me with those pittiful eyes. damn you. and i thought you were cool, too. religion does things to you, makes you narrow-minded. i don't know if its possible to be open-minded and religiously christian/catholic at the same time. doesn't that faith require you to believe in it wholly, totally, and blindly? to believe in something so much can give you so much happiness. i don't doubt it. you have so much hope... but i can't help but wonder if its... i don't know. healthy isn't the right word, because being happy makes you healthy. i can't fathom blinding myself from everything else. having the answer to everything be 'only He knows' or 'He has a reason' just isn't enough. being a man of science, how can you believe so blindly, john?

as i read back on your last entry, i realized how inconsistent your reply was. i've highlighted it here.

-Pulled from October 19th, 2005 comments section.

me said...

"You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town."

10:21 AM

dsfjkshd said...

sgsd

6:57 PM

John said...

Surprisingly both comments make the same amount of sense to me. I guess you don't have time or are too tired to argue with me anymore. It's ok, I'll pray enough for the both of us.

8:22 PM

Jack said...

Faith is blind. You just have bad eyes and read it wrong.

12:58 AM

John said...

Alright. BRING IT ON! If faith is blind, what difference does it make if I have bad eyes?

2:36 PM

Jack said...

Nothing really, but the matter that you have bad eyes gives reason to you mistakenly think the final was on Wednesday instead of Monday. Hence, logic prevails, not blind faith.

9:56 PM

John said...

That is exactly my point as I stated in the blog. It is illogical. That is why blind faith prevails because it is blind and illogical.

10:58 PM

me said...

If there is a God, then why did he/she give you midterms and finals on the same day on all your previous quarters? and by pure chance this quarter, it just so happened that one of your midterms' date was changed and suddenly there is a god? so what happened to all the other times when misfortune took place? are you going to ignore that? you only pay attention to the good and say there is a god. as i argued before, if there is a god, then Louisiana survivors would not be survivors, but normal Louisiana people. not victims. people are thankful to god because they are saved from this catastrophe, but if there were a god, then there would be no catastrophe. god almighty did it. and he/she scheduled all your midterms on the same date during your previous quarters, as well. you give him/her too much credit for one lousy, stinkin' event.

2:18 AM

John said...

God is ultimately responsible for everything that happens, since He created man. When a misfortune takes place he is also responsible for it because it is part of His plan. Just because there is a God doesn't mean bad things don't happen. This isn't heaven.

So to use your example. God created Katrina and God killed all those people. But He also spared some of them. Why did He do it? Beats me. Ever heard of Noah and his Ark. God is a jealous God not a teddybear. So if your parents got killed in the disaster, you say, "Why God, why are are you doing this?" And if your house is still standing with no damage, you say, "Thank you God, for protecting me."

What do you mean too much credit? I thank him for his blessings and I curse Him for my first 24 years of existence.

1:29 PM

me said...

so does this mean you take no responsibility for your life? if you have free will, then you can't blame him/her. but at the same time, he/she created everything and all your problems. so he/she was so masterful that he/she gave you free will knowing how everything would turn out. so the free will he/she gave you isn't really freewill after all since he/she already knows what you are going to do and how you are going to turn out. i mean after all, it was all a part of his/her grand desgin, right?

1:43 AM

John said...

Thought we already had this discussion already. But I think there's nothing left that can be said except we disagree. God gives me free will to choose. Just because He knows what I will choose beforehand doesn't make it any less my choice. He has a plan and I am destined to act according to His plan. So therefore, I have no choice but to follow His plan. But since I don't know what that plan is, the choices are mine to make.

You see black and I see white.

9:23 PM

why? why?!?!?!

i was broken when you found me. you looked inside to find the cracks in my soul and sealed them with a kiss from your sweet, sweet lips. you lent me strength to set me free from my burdens. you fixed me. but i'm broken again and there is no magic kiss to heal away this scar. how can i live so normally without you?

another sleepless night.

lonely, lonely street. lit up with streetlights with no one to walk on. how very sad.

Narrow-minded

"Narrow-minded, " is an adjective used to describe a person who is intolerant or inflexible in their point of view regarding others. Narrow-minded often describes a person who subscribes to rigid dogma or religious viwpoints. In some instances, the word is used to describe a person who is easily offended by the relatively harmless behavior of others.

1. nar·row-mind·ed
adj.

Lacking tolerance, breadth of view, or sympathy; petty.

2. narrow-minded

adj 1: capable of being shocked [syn: shockable] [ant: unshockable] 2: lacking tolerance or flexibility or breadth of view; "a brilliant but narrow-minded judge"; "narrow opinions" [syn: narrow] [ant: broad-minded] 3: rigidly adhering to a particular sect or its doctrines

Selfishness

Selfishness is a primary or sole concern with one's own welfare.

It is considered by many to be a negative character trait; in particular, it is traditionally proscribed by most religions. Some, however, view it as positive.

One positive view of selfishness is called rational selfishness . This view is often attributed to Ayn Rand's Objectivist philosophy.

In philosophy, the term egoism is often analogous to selfishness.

self·ish
adj.
Concerned chiefly or only with oneself

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

Rational selfishness

Rational selfishness, a term generally related to Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism, means to seek to make yourself happy before others. Critics argue that rational selfishness permits harming others. However, Ayn Rand adds the proviso that you mustn't use force to impose your will on others. All in all, the rational selfishness can be viewed upon as the way of living your life in such a manner that your own happiness and hunt for various benefits in life can co-exist with the same will of others. This is, in essence, the basic rule of the system of which Ayn Rand was an eager defender - the capitalistic system.

Further, Ayn Rand discusses rational self-interest in which your happiness, in limited circumstances, can be enhanced by helping others; a related term is enlightened self-interest. Critics then argue that the boundaries of rational self-interest are fuzzy and that much misery can be neglected. Ayn Rand counters that various ideologies coerce individuals into self-sacrifice. Ayn Rand makes a point to argue against what she views as martyrdom.

- i've decided that it is not happy people that i don't get along with, but narrow-minded ones instead. my co-worker is a happy person and i get along with him famously. he is not narrow-minded. thinking back to conversations with the people i don't like, i've realized it's because they are narrow-minded. i like being on my soap box judging people. it makes me feel all the more bigger and powerful. muhahahahaha!

my mom had surgery yesterday, i didn't even know. i'm a horrible daughter. this incident kicked in another realization about myself. i've always known i was heartless, why else would i be the only one not thinking about my brother in iraq? i thought i didn't care. this mom incident and an e-mail i received from him on his last trip to iraq showed me otherwise. i guess i do care. why else would i be sitting here thinking i'm a horrible daughter? i've come to realize that in my little cold, black heart, i seal away a lot of secret emotions. so secret that i don't even know about them myself. and everytime some sort of stressful thought that has any relation to my family comes up, i rationalize them away. but this only happens with my family, no one else. why? mmmm... i only know too well. this only shows that all my so-called dysfunctional perspectives derive from my family. thank you for making me so screwy. i have yet to meet someone who tells me i'm normal.

everytime i think about *you*, i have to divert my attention away to something else. its too much. i can't handle it. i'm much happier this way. i think *you* now fall into that secret emotions section of my heart.

I think i'm finally starting to heal from the complete and utter take over of depression on my mind.

Several things happened lately that made me stop a little and go hmmm...

On an extremely bad mood day, i decided to let my makeup show just how frightened people should be of me. I went over to My's house intending to go to coffee with her. Interestingly enough, the waitress there offered me a job. Makes me re-realize just how shallow this world really is.

Went clubbing for the first time as a single, legal adult. Never before have I seen so many horny men swarm around my group of friends. What is it about being single that somehow signals others about your relational standing in life? Do you somehow present a more open posture? I don't know. Guys at clubs scare me. Horny bastards.

I don't know if I can ever get along with happy people. Recent conversations with a happy person made me realize just how annoying they really are. If they never thought about the problems of this world, then fine, be on your merry way. But how can they know, and knowingly ignore? I've also come to the realization that happy people are narrowminded. Without expanding their horizons, they're happy knowing exactly what they know. If their knowledge is challenged, then they become unhappy, and of course, then they wouldn't be considered as happy people anymore. Definitely understandable.

I know i wrote on this before, but i abso-fucking-lutely (from Sex In The City) hate people who force-use slang. If it doesn't come naturally, why say it? What the fuck for? I mean, everyone uses slang. It comes naturally because its all over the media. You can't help but use it. But there are those people, those oh so annoying people that just over do it. damn them all for getting on my nerves.

i need to not live here anymore. such large goals with such little money.

wanksters

i know what's erking me now. i know it sounds so cliche... but i'm just tired of this fake/real bullshit. i'm tired of having to weed it out. i'm tired of having to find out what front people are putting on. why?!?!!? why do people do this? why do they have to act like they're presenting this truth about themselves when it's so obviously just another facade they put on? and when you call it they get all pissed... like fake pissed, but probably just pissed because you told them the truth and they got scared that someone found out about them. people are stupid acting like no one else knows about their dirty truth that they're fakers. everyone knows, they're just too ball(s)-less to pop your bubble. so if everyone knows that everyone else is faking it, then why even bother? what the heck for? so annoying. tired of people. just tired of people in general. i feel like being a hermit, but being at home is so boring. how can i interact without interacting?

i absolutely hate people force-using slang. i mean, what the fuck are they trying to prove? that they're cool because they know the latest, hippest, coolest words out there? c'mon people!!! you're trying too hard. i'm sure everyone will like you (i know i will) if you just STOP! i'm tired of hearing about drugs and drinking and fights. i'm tired of hearing about jail time and cops and court dates. give me a littel depth in conversation please. what are we? sixteen? we're all professionals here, c'mon.

music never seems to be loud enough. i wonder if it's my mood or if i'm just going deaf.