new beginnings...

things are starting to look up and i can't help but surface from my gloomy, gloomy mood. i finally got paid today... it feels so... so... surreal. getting a real paycheck, kinda cool. i wonder when i'm going to start feeling like i get paid shit, because $900 is the most i ever got for my lousy services. i will buy myself a first paycheck gift. not sure what it's going to be yet, but its going to be something memorable... maybe a really nice watch.

i've also started manderin classes, i can't believe i'm doing all this. finally the life i really wanted doing the things i really want. so why do i feel like i'm soaring on a gray cloud nine?

my face melts together with each pump of my throbbing heart. what will happen to me? what will happen to you?

i can't stop crying. make the memories stop attacking me.

from 'me' to 'you'

Why did i have to break your heart? i long for you. my soul aches for you. everywhere i turn, i am reminded of you... but that's all that it is now, just memories. i'm hurting and its because of you. you. the one that i hurt. i know that it is for my greater good. all this pain is for my greater future. how? i don't know. i just know that i made the right choice. but how do i know? i don't. i love you so much. in my heart of hearts, i know that i love you. but why? why would i do something so terrible to someone i love so much? because i am a terrible person. i can't do it anymore. the pain is killing me. i can't stuff my feelings inside anymore. they want to float out like selfish little butterflies. but i know i can't have everything. its either you or me. i don't know why it has to be like that. it was us for so long. so many hugs and warm laughs. so many kisses. so many i miss you's. i can't anymore. i'm breaking down. i'm losing. i'm lost. i'm lost without you. there's nowhere to turn. only to bury my head in my pillow and accept what i've done. it will get better. let the months turn into years and it will get better.

clipped wings of a broken angel, why do you fall? your feathers sticky of tainted, ruined blood, how do you float so majestically down? down like pouring rain on sins of broken humans. broken angel, where do you go? your wings are mine and i am here waiting for your return.

alone at last. the quiet hum of my body concedes to this dark day. singlehood. what an odd, odd state to be in. almost unrecognizable. what is it people do when they're single? what is the difference? ahhh, yes. a very distinctive difference. there are no more 'i'm just here to surprise you'-s, there are no more sweet, sweet, tender moments by and by. there is no one there, waiting in the flanks to pick you up when you are down. there is just nothing, and you are left with yourself. naked and alone. a mirror of truth held to you for you to see. you can hide your flaws in your significant other's love, but now it's gone.

my shoulders heave as my breath grows raspy. what's done is done. it's over. i can't breath. it finally sets in. alone. utterly, disparingly alone. we're done, and i'm scared. i don't know what of. there's nothing left to say. unspoken words will remain in the open air as i learn to hate myself to another degree. why?!?!? worthless. everything. meaningless. nothing. there must be something. cold. just cold. i think i've died.

always babbling

games are playing with my mind. my chest aches as my mind thrives. blow me away now that i'm free as the sky. the ground touches me not. higher and higher i soar. life so cruel yet so kind. a new beginning begins on a sad ending. continuity is the enemy. commitment failed me. commitment fears me. i fear it.

shake my soul. rattle my being. prick my skin. tingle the hair on my arms. these melodies swimming toward my heart. it's so cold. i'm frozen shut. i'm locked in. turn off the lights. it's time to go.

alive

narrowing sky of deep gray, take me away. float me heavenly away to your crisp reality where pain touches me not. take me above that foggy layer of mist that clouds my eyes. touch me, feel me, for i feel not. stab me, bleed me, give me existence, for i feel not.

my heart shatters. pick up the pieces. pick up the pieces. i like it on the floor. i can see it clearly now, now that it's broken. there was never any life there. shiny and black, lifelessly not beating on the floor. stuff that poison back into the hole that is my chest. what's the point? it is lifeless. i am lifeless.

i hate myself.

"What was it? I felt that something was wrong. I felt that this peacefulness had something artificial to it. But I think, surrounded by my classmates, there were times I’d suddenly feel like everyone was far away. But I’d get scared because I’d think that I wasn’t actually feeling anything, even when I was laughing and being rowdy with my friends. Maybe I was just sliding along the surface of my feelings so that nothing ever really touched me. Even when girls confessed their feelings for me, it didn’t touch me. In my heart, there’s this suspicion I can’t erase, a suspicion that I’m always alone, that maybe I don’t really have anyone I can call a friend. In reality, I’ve always been alone. In me, there was always this worry. Why do I think such things? I’m supposed to be blessed with more gifts than most people. And so, the days would go by. Those peaceful, unchanging tranquil days. Those days that felt completely empty."

- Arima's Soliloquy (From Kare Kano)

Funny how water colors can cut you so deep.

9 to 5er

today marks the first day of financial freedom for me. sure i lowered my expectations, sure i'm selling myself for a few less dollars on the hour, sure i'm doing something outside of my original intent, but i will be free. i'm entering an unchartered zone: a place where my mom has no say in my financial whereabouts, an area where she is only the receiver and there are no ifs, ands, or buts. and a big SCREW YOU goes out to all those who doubted me. fuck you all. fuck all of you who didn't think i could make it. fuck you for thinking i'm a loser who's destined for ho-dom. fuck you for thinking i'll be in the same rut forever. fuck you for the mental hell you've all put me through until this day. fuck you for everything.

a big thank you to the ones who stuck by my side, i will forever cherish your love and friendship.