dear friend who happens to be great at computers,
do not feel the pressure of what you think as obligation. if you feel your sole attraction are any skills that you may possess, then you need to take a look in the mirror. your problem does not exist in people taking an advantage of you (although, i'm sure that has happened), your problem is your lost of faith in friendship. only in true friendship will you ever be able to trust that others will see you as just *you*. and if they don't, so what? the ones that love you will stand by your side despite the downfalls. good times and bad times will attest to true friendship.
posted by me @ 6:05 PM
2 Comments:
- DISSECTION -
Overall theme? I AM MENTAL!
"your sole attraction are any skills that you may possess"
This particular self-esteem roadblock has long faded away.
"your problem is your lost of faith in friendship"
This, however, remains.
"the ones that love you will stand by your side despite the downfalls"
I am incapable of believing this.
"you feel our friendship is based on nothing more than computer intelligence on your part"
Actually, I mean it when I you say, "Craig and Vinh are surprised you and I still hang out." Even I am surprised. Our friendship must go very deep beyond any one thing we could do for each other.
"i feel like i should chastise you and tell you how silly you are... but who am i?"
You are Ying-Ying. The only friend I look forward to seeing when I am in town. I do hope you realize you're the only person outside my family that I care to see when I come home. I expect you to tell me how silly I am.
"i think i am more hurt over your not telling me how you really feel"
I believe I have on many occasions.
"if you feel that i have treated you unjust ... let me know"
You haven't.
"we can cut that out of our idle chatter"
Rules and regulations for a friendship? A value of a good friendship in my eyes is the ability to be able to say anything you want without worrying what the other may think. They know you well enough not to make rash judgements. But when you hold back and censor your thoughts, you're not being your true self. You're being fake. It's like a gay friend in the group and suddenly you can't make gay jokes anymore. Or the emperor with no clothes. It sucks always trying to avoid a topic of conversation that is staring you in the face.
"but i think the only topics left to discuss would be..."
exactly... what's left?
"i am a bit hurt that you decided not to tell me to my face"
Tell you what? That I'm neurotic? Besides, are you honestly telling me you don't know how I feet?
"just don't think that everyone is out to get you"
I don't think people consciously try do it. But I think it is only natural to use people, places, and things. They can't help themselves.
This leads to the point of my blog which I believe has alluded you, so I will repeat it. I AM NEUROTIC! It's the principle! Do I stand by my principle, the line that I have drawn? Or do I stray a bit to cut my good friend a deal. Surely, it can't hurt. But I wonder if that's what the alcoholic thinks?
In case you've forgotten, why do I like you? You are one of two people in my life that I feel wants to my friend more than I want to be your friend. I can't tell you how good it feels when the other person likes you more than you like them. Makes you feel special, like you're actually, a good person. The other person is Lucy by the way. So you put this fact together with my pushoverness and you get:
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hmmm, I made the rule because I don't want people to take advantage of me. But Ying-Ying is a real friend, she's 100% guaranteed not to take advantage of me. She should be given VIP access. But it's the principle! You can't let people get to the front of the line just because they know the bouncer. Stop being an ass and let her in, it's her birthday. But but but... Ok fine, I'll let her in.
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Do you see? You won. And had I been able to procure a car, I would have done it. So I am angry with myself.
Do you see how ridiculous this whole line of thinking sounds? And so I get angry with myself again for not being sane.
So please, Ying-Ying, because it's you. Chastise me tell me how silly I am.
Hehe, you got spammed.
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