it's always sad to lose an old friend...

you asked why it is that i call you and what i answered is true, but only partly so. i don't know what i look for in contacting you, and i am partly lost myself. i know that my initial intentions were good, but you are right, we can never achieve a level of friendship where things are carefree and baggage free. But maybe that's what i'm looking for, a life without this weight of hate. i hate the word closure, i never really believed in it. When things are over, you steal yourself and walk away. Closure's for losers. but i think everytime i call, i'm looking to close this chapter in my life that just seems to go on without my permission. there are so many unresolved issues between us, but i think we are both in a point in our lives where we can't answer things honestly anymore. for me, it's loss of my pride... for you, i don't know, opening up wounds that have been partially healed over? Dragging up your misery? if i am still dwelling over these issues, i'm sure my misery has been dragged up as well. perhaps i am selfish, trying to push my own misery onto you. that does not excuse my actions, but please do understand, i have inane issues with depression and i think i attribute my depression to you... you and my parents. my feelings are so contradictory that i just don't know how to deal. i demonize you, despise you when i'm sad, but i understand for you and feel your pain too when i'm not. perhaps i want to get to know you better to get this hate out of my life. i want to know you and understand you to know that you are not without fallacies.

"pity overcomes revenge"

in my mind you are nothing and yet everything. i am indifferent and yet passionate. perhaps it is my desparation for approval. my constant need to do well for somebody, anybody, but not me. maybe if i can show you, the symbol of my past, how well and happy i'm doing, all my unhappy memories will vanish into thin air.
last night i lost a ... somebody. failure to label you troubles me, too. sometimes when i think of you, it all seems so unreal. but i know that you are real because the pain that i still feel is all too real. i'm tired of this blame game, i want to let go of this hate, but i don't know how. i think this will be the only time i feel unfortunate that i am not catholic.
i constantly toy with the idea that i am worthless, useless, and meaningless. it is me against the world and the memory of you is that last obstacle that not only will not let me conquer, but chases me out of my happiness. i don’ t know if it saddens me or not that you should breath a sigh of relief with your severance of our ties, but who is ever happy when someone willfully forgets about them? i cannot envision someone who hates me, loathes me, despises me so much that they have to forget that i had ever existed.

"the lessons of silence are hard to learn"