sluggish immortality

is it out of the norm to feel younger with each passing year?

i think i'm stuck at 16

personality tests are so fun

the Shock Jock
(60% dark, 60% spontaneous, 44% vulgar)
your humor style:VULGAR SPONTANEOUS DARKYour sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this world, and you probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart, then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out that she's dead. Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you like things trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits (b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


You scored higher than 75% on dark


You scored higher than 85% on spontaneous


You scored higher than 80% on vulgar

that special day

it's my special day and i do feel oh so special. it's been a good few years since i've felt this way about my birthday. perhaps i've finally reached a place in my life where i truly can say that i am happy. i have the confidence to say that i have friends that care. sunny and jason took me out tonight not to mention tony as well. they treated me to everything: dinner at some hong kong style cafe and pool at d and b's. we had an okaie time. very nice of them. touching thing was the birthday present i received. it's a mini ipod. i think it means so much coming from them because i know the price they usually pay for each other's presents. that's real nice of them.
henry got me kick ass speakers, a web cam, a kick ass purse, and a half burned cd. between you and me, the cd made me feel the butterflies and the purse was sooooo thoughtful. he doesn't have to spend so much money on me. if he only wrote me a birthday letter i would have been more than happy. <3

it's always sad to lose an old friend...

you asked why it is that i call you and what i answered is true, but only partly so. i don't know what i look for in contacting you, and i am partly lost myself. i know that my initial intentions were good, but you are right, we can never achieve a level of friendship where things are carefree and baggage free. But maybe that's what i'm looking for, a life without this weight of hate. i hate the word closure, i never really believed in it. When things are over, you steal yourself and walk away. Closure's for losers. but i think everytime i call, i'm looking to close this chapter in my life that just seems to go on without my permission. there are so many unresolved issues between us, but i think we are both in a point in our lives where we can't answer things honestly anymore. for me, it's loss of my pride... for you, i don't know, opening up wounds that have been partially healed over? Dragging up your misery? if i am still dwelling over these issues, i'm sure my misery has been dragged up as well. perhaps i am selfish, trying to push my own misery onto you. that does not excuse my actions, but please do understand, i have inane issues with depression and i think i attribute my depression to you... you and my parents. my feelings are so contradictory that i just don't know how to deal. i demonize you, despise you when i'm sad, but i understand for you and feel your pain too when i'm not. perhaps i want to get to know you better to get this hate out of my life. i want to know you and understand you to know that you are not without fallacies.

"pity overcomes revenge"

in my mind you are nothing and yet everything. i am indifferent and yet passionate. perhaps it is my desparation for approval. my constant need to do well for somebody, anybody, but not me. maybe if i can show you, the symbol of my past, how well and happy i'm doing, all my unhappy memories will vanish into thin air.
last night i lost a ... somebody. failure to label you troubles me, too. sometimes when i think of you, it all seems so unreal. but i know that you are real because the pain that i still feel is all too real. i'm tired of this blame game, i want to let go of this hate, but i don't know how. i think this will be the only time i feel unfortunate that i am not catholic.
i constantly toy with the idea that i am worthless, useless, and meaningless. it is me against the world and the memory of you is that last obstacle that not only will not let me conquer, but chases me out of my happiness. i don’ t know if it saddens me or not that you should breath a sigh of relief with your severance of our ties, but who is ever happy when someone willfully forgets about them? i cannot envision someone who hates me, loathes me, despises me so much that they have to forget that i had ever existed.

"the lessons of silence are hard to learn"

memories...

i remember the smartest man i ever met in my life from a time oh so long ago. i met him when i was three years old and i remember the exact moment when i realized how smart he really was. i was playing with my plastic hairband, putting it around my thighs and of course, the headband snapped in two. i went crying to everybody but he was the one that waved me over. he took it in his hands and wiped my tears away. then he performed some magic voodoo shit. he took the two broken pieces put them together and lit a lighter under it. just like magic, the broken pieces stuck together and my broken headband was fixed.

my grandfather died when i was nine years old. i never really got a chance to know him even though he lived with me for a couple of years. by the time we were together, he was already old and decrepit and i was entering a phase where grandparents weren't cool anymore.

religion appearsto be a battle that i just can't seem to shake off. why can't people understand that my lack of faith in religion doesn't mean that i'm suicidal? just because there's no grand design, no order, no meaning, no luck, no nothing, does not mean that i'm not willing to live. is there a better place that all of us go to when we die? isn't it possible that that we got our morals mixed up? that the devil's actually god and that killing will get us to heaven instead? who decided the morals anyway? who ordained good-will to be a ticket into heaven? perhaps heaven is where all the suffering is and hell is where all the partying begins. no one told those priests so my guess is as good as theirs. so why am i a charity case and why aren't they? hehehe... i guess they are.