over and out

i think i've come to terms with my chinese identity, or rather, my lack of it. constantly striving to be more 'chinese' as if there really is a possibility to becoming more of it, has been tiring. i've decided that i am american. there's no denying it. no matter how fluently i speak the language (chinese or english), or how well i know the culture (chinese american?), i will always be the outsider. this brings me back to the age of six years when i refused to assume a chinese identity. i don't think it's possible, to be chinese that is. why is it that american born chinese people get so burnt out about being called white washed? to some degree, and i'm going to say to a high degree, we are white washed. we are white washed in our thinking, our wants and goals and just our orientations on life itself. we may listen to chinese popular music, or watch the movies and eat the food, but does that make us anymore chinese than the white people living in china and experiencing life over there? are black people, that's been here for generations anymore or any less american than the whites? are they anymore african? how disappointing is it to first generation parents for their kids to admit their unchinese-ness? it tears everyone up inside. for us, it's our unbelongingness. for our parents, it's their disappointment in their children for not being able to carry the chinese torch on in a foreign land. why do we torture ourselves like this?