grrrr...

HNX03 (9:10:11 PM): are you there?
HNX03 (9:30:37 PM): guess not
HNX03 (9:30:46 PM):
HnxMe (9:32:16 PM):
HnxMe (9:32:18 PM): sorry
HnxMe (9:32:23 PM): i was helpingmy mom move
HNX03 (9:32:28 PM): oh
HnxMe (9:32:33 PM): argument
HNX03 (9:32:33 PM): what happened to the whole
HnxMe (9:32:37 PM): my dad's an asshole
HNX03 (9:32:41 PM): can't help them once or i help them forever
HnxMe (9:32:48 PM): i was reading
HnxMe (9:32:52 PM): he knocks on my door
HNX03 (9:32:54 PM): now what's up with your unchineseyness?
HnxMe (9:32:57 PM): as if i was fuckin around
HnxMe (9:33:07 PM): then he's like
HnxMe (9:33:11 PM): come and help move
HnxMe (9:33:28 PM): but in a sort of you-ungrateful-daughter sort of way
HnxMe (9:33:34 PM): like i'm good for nothing
HNX03 (9:33:41 PM): poor ying ying
HnxMe (9:33:46 PM): like ohhhh he's the hard worker of the family
HnxMe (9:33:52 PM): and everyone takes advantage of him
HnxMe (9:33:57 PM): so won't i come and help him out
HnxMe (9:34:00 PM): just this once
HnxMe (9:34:07 PM): because he does sooooo much hard work
HnxMe (9:34:16 PM): nobody else works hard but him
HnxMe (9:34:26 PM): i hate that attitude
HnxMe (9:34:30 PM): if it were true
HnxMe (9:34:31 PM): fine
HnxMe (9:34:33 PM): but it's not
HnxMe (9:34:38 PM): i'm far from hard working
HNX03 (9:34:46 PM): you're the angry little girl on your bag
HnxMe (9:34:48 PM): but he's in the same place i'm in
HnxMe (9:34:57 PM): he acts like
HnxMe (9:34:58 PM): ohhh
HnxMe (9:35:02 PM): i'm fixing up the house
HnxMe (9:35:06 PM): it's such hard work
HnxMe (9:35:11 PM): and several times today
HnxMe (9:35:19 PM): i caught just sitting in front of the comp
HnxMe (9:35:24 PM): mom works
HnxMe (9:35:33 PM): and he acts like he's a saint
HnxMe (9:35:34 PM): like
HnxMe (9:35:36 PM): ohhh
HnxMe (9:35:42 PM): well women have to cook and clean
HnxMe (9:35:45 PM): cuz men go out and work
HnxMe (9:35:47 PM): okaie
HnxMe (9:35:48 PM): that's fair
HnxMe (9:35:55 PM): but what if the woman works too?
HnxMe (9:36:07 PM): she has to cook and clean in addition to working
HnxMe (9:36:13 PM): what if the man doesn't work?
HnxMe (9:36:26 PM): she has to work and cook and clean and do the dirty dishes too
HnxMe (9:36:32 PM): and after all that
HnxMe (9:36:38 PM): she has to come home to take your shit
HnxMe (9:36:43 PM): have you yell at her
HnxMe (9:36:50 PM): and then go out and run errands for you
HnxMe (9:36:54 PM): come home
HnxMe (9:37:02 PM): and move shit for you
HnxMe (9:37:10 PM): and help you remodel too
HnxMe (9:37:13 PM): then in reality
HnxMe (9:37:18 PM): you're really not doing anything
HnxMe (9:37:22 PM): you're just griping
HnxMe (9:37:25 PM): and being pissy
HnxMe (9:37:29 PM): and being a little bitch
HNX03 (9:37:32 PM):
HnxMe (9:37:36 PM): you are far from a man
HnxMe (9:37:41 PM): far from a great man
HnxMe (9:37:48 PM): far from your ideal of what a man should be
HnxMe (9:37:52 PM): and what burns me out
HnxMe (9:37:59 PM): is that you think you are your ideal man
HnxMe (9:38:03 PM): that you're a good father
HnxMe (9:38:08 PM): a good husband
HnxMe (9:38:12 PM): but in my eyes
HnxMe (9:38:17 PM): i think you are a piece of shit
HNX03 (9:39:25 PM): poor baby
HNX03 (9:39:28 PM): i still love you
HnxMe (9:40:36 PM): hehhee
HnxMe (9:40:37 PM): yeah
HnxMe (9:40:40 PM): i feel better now
HNX03 (9:40:49 PM): *phew*
HnxMe (9:40:53 PM): and he had the audacity to give me attitude
HnxMe (9:40:55 PM): hang on
HNX03 (9:41:07 PM): you're not done?
HnxMe (9:44:11 PM): she had one more box
HNX03 (9:44:19 PM): oh
HnxMe (9:44:21 PM): because all her shit was crowding the house
HnxMe (9:44:24 PM): and it's in his way
HnxMe (9:44:28 PM): and all her shit
HnxMe (9:44:30 PM): is junk
HnxMe (9:44:34 PM): and everything he has isn't
HNX03 (9:44:48 PM): mua
HnxMe (9:44:50 PM): stupid fish tank with no fish
HnxMe (9:45:01 PM): he can be so charming
HnxMe (9:45:08 PM): and yet, such an asshole...

over and out

i think i've come to terms with my chinese identity, or rather, my lack of it. constantly striving to be more 'chinese' as if there really is a possibility to becoming more of it, has been tiring. i've decided that i am american. there's no denying it. no matter how fluently i speak the language (chinese or english), or how well i know the culture (chinese american?), i will always be the outsider. this brings me back to the age of six years when i refused to assume a chinese identity. i don't think it's possible, to be chinese that is. why is it that american born chinese people get so burnt out about being called white washed? to some degree, and i'm going to say to a high degree, we are white washed. we are white washed in our thinking, our wants and goals and just our orientations on life itself. we may listen to chinese popular music, or watch the movies and eat the food, but does that make us anymore chinese than the white people living in china and experiencing life over there? are black people, that's been here for generations anymore or any less american than the whites? are they anymore african? how disappointing is it to first generation parents for their kids to admit their unchinese-ness? it tears everyone up inside. for us, it's our unbelongingness. for our parents, it's their disappointment in their children for not being able to carry the chinese torch on in a foreign land. why do we torture ourselves like this?

day in, day out

i'm not sure if the new quarter brought easier classes, or if summer mode kicked in without me knowing about it. i feel a tad uncomfortable. i'm just a little too relaxed about classes right now. if i were my normal me, i'd be ranting and raving about the reading that should have been done, but has not yet begun. mmmm...

everything is nice and well on the home front. well, so far at least. mom and dad doing well. me and mom doing okaie. me and dad doing well. me and henry doing great. me and my doing well. i think in terms of relationships, i'm pretty happy and satisfied...

life is so boring without drama.

oh yeah, my comp is throwing a temper tantrum. hopefully it won't be mad at me anymore now that i've swapped the ram around. yeah... my life the exciting. sometimes i'm afraid when there's no drama, i'm scared that i might stir some up out of boredom. let us hope that my psychotic tendencies have not reached that level yet.

Grief

i must remember to NEVER talk about my parents when i'm happy. thoughts of them can turn such a bright day into a gloomy, overwhelming hell-hole.

These are the last moments of freedom. i really enjoyed this break, it felt so relaxing, so free, so very care-less. and with graduation looming closer and closer, i just can't help but feel a tad despondent. i was looking forward to something that i once thought was so far away, so impossible, but now seems to be almost within my grasp. what happens after graduation?

transition between child and adult, i suppose. i remember as a kid, life always started at a later age. when i was nine, i thought the beginning of an exciting life was at ten. when i was ten, i thought it was thirteen. when i was thirteen, i thought it was sixteen. so here i am now, twenty-one, and i can't remember my teenage years as well as my childhood years. what happens when you have real responsibilities? what happens to those people who don't transition well? i guess i'm scared. i want to leave the student identity behind, but i do not want to embrace adulthood. is there something inbetween that i can stay back and linger as?

and depression ensues...

with a swift, ice cold hand, depressions settles on the day uncharacteristically like morning dew drops seeping slowly out of a pure untouched rose.

i've been sitting at home all day

i'm amazed at my unbored-edness. i'm just sitting at home, listening to music, not being entertained in any other way. this is nice. real nice.

i feel guilty for not taking the initiative to see hen, but i can't help it. not having to do anything, just thinking about the day ahead of me; knowing that i don't have to do anything, outweighs driving 60 miles to watch hen grade papers while i watch tv and pretend to not be bored. i can pick my nose then my ass when i'm alone. can't do that at other people's homes, where would my manners be?

i finished moving the rest of my mom's room, big weight lifted off my chest. one less thing to worry about and one less thing to do. not a care in the world.

i feel this euphoric situation i've trapped myself in will turn into a rough transistion when school starts...*shudder*- i must learn to forbid myself to let that thought cross my mind while on this holly break. all hail the break god.

slept at five again last night. woke up at seven this morning. i guess when you're on break, you need sleep even less. is it possible that i'm stressed out about break? i think i've reached new levels of psychoses.

daily attributes

this has got to be the best vacation ever.

nothing. absolutely nothing to do. how i love this new found uncaring side of me.

spare tire anyone?

i feel like such a stinkin' fat ass. i've been doing nothing but sitting on my fat ass everyday. i haven't ran in close to three weeks... what am i going to do? i feel so nasty right now, like i'm wearing an extra donut between my breasts and my hips. reminds me of that commercial of nutrigrain bars where everyone has a giant donut around their waist and the commercial read, "tired of wearing your breakfast around your waist?" -ha.