damned report

“Suspicion may cause one person to interpret an innocent dialogue by others as clique behavior. Some people exhibit mild paranoia in their suspicions of being excluded. This suspicion may find its origin in a weak personality that feels too quickly threatened or that feels incapable of dealing with aloneness.”

When I read this passage, I felt relieved and yet somewhat sad. I can relate so much because this is exactly how I feel all the time: suspicious. I never quite understood why, but I’ve always felt ostracized by my peers. A feeling of aloneness or inadequacy has followed me throughout the years from early childhood and still haunts me now. Perhaps it is a weak personality as the book suggested maybe brought about by my inability to speak English when I was a toddler. Or maybe it is from a lack of self-esteem I seemed to have lost somewhere along the way as I was growing up. As a result, when I go out with friends and someone new is brought into our group, I make sure they are having fun and feel as if they are included. Sometimes when I do this, people consider me a pest because I am constantly asking if they are having fun and that everything is all right. But I continue to do so anyways.
Sometimes people feel as if I do this to put on a nice person veneer, maybe I show myself to be a bit too friendly? The book does mention about the inner self and the façade that people carry around with them. That no matter how hard you try to be yourself, you are still wearing a mask, because in trying to be yourself, you are in fact trying to be something and expel some type of persona for others to see. Either way, I lose in this almost too wannabe realistic society that we live in.
In recent years, with the boom of the technology world and the Internet in full swing, on-line journals have been popping up everywhere you look on-line. What I find funny in these journals are how many of these people like to proclaim their dislike of “fake people”. Is it possible for one to actually become the one true McCoy? How and when did this trend begin? To pronounce the whole world around you as being fake and unreal somehow makes me wonder about the customs that we, as Americans carry.
So to be commemorated and held as being true to yourself you must bare all and show all. Being friendly seems not to allure and attract because in doing so, you are supposedly no longer being yourself. And cynicism is what prevails.

funny how all my attempts at a normal book report still somehow reflect my pessimistic views...

“…Some people seem to derive an almost satanic satisfaction from being able to exercise the power of ostracizing those who are weaker or less popular.”