stinkin b

So i got my grade back for my report. i got a stinkin b. poored my heart out and i got a stinkin b. tisk tisk. i suppose this is where being smug comes right back to kick me in the face. maybe this b will give me a new outlook in life, that things are not as easy as they seem. maybe somethings really aren't attainable even if you try really hard. ehhh... i don't believe that. i just didn't try hard enough. i slacked at the end of my report and he sensed that. next time, parenting class, next time i will wring an a out of you even if i have to claw it out with my bare hands... or maybe i'll just be lazy and accept a c since that seems to be the preferred grade in the class anyway.

mom's a callin'

Funny how somethings work out sometimes. when put into perspective (and you really need to put this into perspective), you finally realize what a damned bitch you've been most your life. interesting. john brings up an absolutely valid point. how is it that an almost-insignificant-not-even-real fight make it into my journal but me yelling heinously at my mother on her birthday seemed to have skipped my mind? hmmm... gee, i wonder why i would exclude such an event?
well, it seems that yelling at my mother has become a daily event these days, no longer important enough to pass thought on for more than a day but just enough to make me a bit guilty for about an hour or so. reason number two: the incident with My caused me to realize what a materialistic bitch i really am. incident with my mom caused me to recall what a bitch i really am, that doesn't really count as a life realization since i already knew.

i remember a few years ago when i would read about women telling stories about their lives in cosmo. i used to think 'wow, they're so grown up, so mysterious', and they were 21, 22. and now i still sometimes read cosmo and these little stories about these young women. and i go 'wow, they're so grown up, so mysterious' and i realize that i'm 21. how is it that i feel so inadequate for my age? i don't belong in the 20's age group, i'm nothing more than a 13 year old stuck in a 13 year old's body. sigh... i guess youth is escaping me a little faster than i thought it would. least i know i can still throw temper tantrums like a baby. not much of a consolation prize, though is it?

clips

Last friday, me and My had a minor argument. Acutally, she sorted yelled at me. For good reasons i must admit. But i've come to believe that i might a bit too materialistic. how is it that i can value a pair of stupid ol' clips so much that i'd have to actually open my mouth and ask for them back? i know by saying something, My will over-react. so why do i have to have the damned clips back? are material goods really that much more important than that of a great friendship? it's been bothering me all week. i've always known how anal i am about borrowing people's things and returning them because whatever you might borrow from them, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you, it might hold great value to them. but these were stupid little clips. god damn it. have i been so out of the world of humanity, so couped up in my own little world to forget the simple gestures of just not caring about little things? the more you are by yourself, the more you tend to want things your way. maybe i just haven't been hanging out with My enough to remember these things. i don't know.

i know i should be sleeping right now, but yeah, poor insomniac me. oh wellz. i guess i'll just have to pay tomorrow. i hope this doesn't turn into a habit, though.

damned report

“Suspicion may cause one person to interpret an innocent dialogue by others as clique behavior. Some people exhibit mild paranoia in their suspicions of being excluded. This suspicion may find its origin in a weak personality that feels too quickly threatened or that feels incapable of dealing with aloneness.”

When I read this passage, I felt relieved and yet somewhat sad. I can relate so much because this is exactly how I feel all the time: suspicious. I never quite understood why, but I’ve always felt ostracized by my peers. A feeling of aloneness or inadequacy has followed me throughout the years from early childhood and still haunts me now. Perhaps it is a weak personality as the book suggested maybe brought about by my inability to speak English when I was a toddler. Or maybe it is from a lack of self-esteem I seemed to have lost somewhere along the way as I was growing up. As a result, when I go out with friends and someone new is brought into our group, I make sure they are having fun and feel as if they are included. Sometimes when I do this, people consider me a pest because I am constantly asking if they are having fun and that everything is all right. But I continue to do so anyways.
Sometimes people feel as if I do this to put on a nice person veneer, maybe I show myself to be a bit too friendly? The book does mention about the inner self and the façade that people carry around with them. That no matter how hard you try to be yourself, you are still wearing a mask, because in trying to be yourself, you are in fact trying to be something and expel some type of persona for others to see. Either way, I lose in this almost too wannabe realistic society that we live in.
In recent years, with the boom of the technology world and the Internet in full swing, on-line journals have been popping up everywhere you look on-line. What I find funny in these journals are how many of these people like to proclaim their dislike of “fake people”. Is it possible for one to actually become the one true McCoy? How and when did this trend begin? To pronounce the whole world around you as being fake and unreal somehow makes me wonder about the customs that we, as Americans carry.
So to be commemorated and held as being true to yourself you must bare all and show all. Being friendly seems not to allure and attract because in doing so, you are supposedly no longer being yourself. And cynicism is what prevails.

funny how all my attempts at a normal book report still somehow reflect my pessimistic views...

“…Some people seem to derive an almost satanic satisfaction from being able to exercise the power of ostracizing those who are weaker or less popular.”