what do people think of me...

So today i start a journal. what can go in and what should stay out? i often wondered why people bother having an on-line journal when they have to censor themselves so much. you have to write extra well and rack your brain extra hard for a few extra quips just to sound extra smart and be extra funny on an on-line journal that is supposed to represent you. maybe this on-line journal thing was meant for everyone else and not yourself. maybe it was meant to help us continue parading that facade we carry around all day already; to help us carry our facade into the internet world as well. of course, we already have that identity problem. you know, the identity problem where we opt to assume a new identiy when we're chatting on-line with people whom we have met just then and there. but if i actually decide to forego that facade i cherish so much and infact write what i think day in and day out (wild ramblings of a crazed woman) about the people i hold near and dear, won't i sound like a complete bitch? compared to everyone else's tempered-down entries, i seem a bit begrudged. should i care? i mean ultimately i have an on-line journal so someone could happen by and judge me, but i am here now, ranting and raving about people judging me and caring/ not caring about it. maybe i should stick with the more conventional book-typed, hand-written journal instead... ehh, i am vain.

I recently came back from a trip to china and hk. it was flying kick ass fun. made lots of new friends and made one really good friend. the point is that these friends i so easily made in just a few days seem to vanish so steadily fast. when we were there just last month we all made promises to call and write, to e-mail and im, but people are lost and nobody seems to care. is it true what they say about things being easy to come, easy to go? i see it as an accelerated form of the cycle of friendship. how can friendships be judged as everlasting? a promise at forever; is that even possible? most of us haven't even seen our best friends from elementary school since junior high, nevermind staying friends. so we put all of our precious feelings into a precious few people, entrusting them with our precious hearts and our precious secrets for as long as, well, forever (if we stand by that promise we made oh so long ago). but forever didn't last and for whatever stupid junior high reason, we are no longer friends. so what makes the friendships we enjoy now so valuable? are we going to stay friends 'forever'? is it an all for one, one for all, deal? i really hope to know.

"As we grow older, making friends is no longer as easy as it was when we were five. Share a cookie and you get an instant best friend for life. Through our entire twenty-something years, we have learned to hate, cheat, and stab each other in the backs, or someone has hated, cheated and stabbed us in the back..."