sleepy...

I wonder what my classmates are thinking about when they see me sprawled across my desk like the living dead wouldn't even be able to awaken me. i wonder if they even see me, do they put me into their thoughts and considerations?
how would people feel if they kept this thought running through their minds all the time: they don't actually matter. if they were missing, no one would realize it, no one would even care. even their nearest and dearest could forget about them in a year or two. their significance in this desolate, uninviting world is no more than a mere grain of sand to our more than six billion population. is that why clothes and make-up industries are such conglomerates in our society? they've ingrained that fear into us, haven't they? to be completely bland and insignificant has become our darkest fears. is it so hard to accept this reality? this denial that we all have of being meaningless in this world; does it have any correlation to our inate fear of death? our fear of death consumes us- our fear of not being, of ending our era of so-called significance to at least a few people. we have to turn to an other worldly deity to give us hope, someone we have made up in our confused and lonely minds. to confirm our doubts and make sure our memoirs, our 'us' still continues on. to make sure our insignificant selves are still significant in a nothing more than delusional after-life.

ps.
this was all written under the influence of an unknown 'bug'...i think i'm sick = (

more school...

Funny how things work out sometimes. woke up at 7am this morning. feeling more refreshed than i have in months. maybe i am a morning person afterall...ha, tell that to my friends.

went to hayward to take care of what i needed to take care of. sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. a little too dramatic you say? nah. not for me. anyways, almost everything is done and taken care. i have to say i feel almost lighthearted. see the word almost? well, that's exactly how i feel. almost. i almost feel good about the day. but almost doesn't count, does it?

school school school

I've been waiting so long to finally get into a four year college and i am beyond scared at the moment. i've been so cocky for so long. i don't know if i can really stand being beaten by school work...

Everything seems so tied up right now, but it all seemingly depends on money. i can't wait for the loan to come through and finally get a gas card. things will run a lot smoother when that happens.

Looking at the date reminds me of what happened two years ago. i suppose i have to at least pay my respects to those thousands of people who've died. better late than never i suppose. i do feel awful about all those innocent people dying... but i can't feel too guilt-ridden about other countries, or so-called "terrorists", getting revenge on the evil america. either way...rest in peace, loved ones of america.

reality check...

I must hate the reality i live in a great deal to keep running back to this journal.

I have this constant need to report every thought that crosses through my mind. maybe it's the feeling of a new commitment. you buy a day runner and for the first month you write everything you need done in it; after a while you don't give a monkey's ass if your little brother throws up on it or pisses the calendar pages away.

Sometimes i wonder about hen. i just want to shake him and make him tell me what he really wants. we promised eachother to try and not play stupid mind games with eachother, to try and be as truthful as possible. it seems like it's so hard on him to tell me what he wants especially if it isn't what i want, or that it might offend my views.

damned bitch...dumb assed bitch

I'm off to see the bitch... the wicked bitch of the north...grrr... at least i get to see the beloved wizard first. maybe he'll have some remedies to wrestle her attention away from how much i dislike her while we're at dinner...

why are we required to pretend to like people we don't like?

This girl: i don't like her. i just don't like her. she has this thing about her that scares me. i think it's because she has this power to suck people in with her shit talking and it scares me to death. she reminds me so much of my junior high years, the people i'm forced to be surrounded by. i lie. i tell people i don't tell her off because she's my mom's friend's kid, or that i would rather not stir up trouble, which in part is true. but in reality, i'm afraid of her. why? i don't know. i don't care too much for the people she hangs with anyway. for a fact, i know i don't care what she thinks of me... maybe it's this whole junior high back lash thing. ehhh...

"I don't think i've ever met anyone in my life that can cause so much pain and be so vindictive..."

what do people think of me...

So today i start a journal. what can go in and what should stay out? i often wondered why people bother having an on-line journal when they have to censor themselves so much. you have to write extra well and rack your brain extra hard for a few extra quips just to sound extra smart and be extra funny on an on-line journal that is supposed to represent you. maybe this on-line journal thing was meant for everyone else and not yourself. maybe it was meant to help us continue parading that facade we carry around all day already; to help us carry our facade into the internet world as well. of course, we already have that identity problem. you know, the identity problem where we opt to assume a new identiy when we're chatting on-line with people whom we have met just then and there. but if i actually decide to forego that facade i cherish so much and infact write what i think day in and day out (wild ramblings of a crazed woman) about the people i hold near and dear, won't i sound like a complete bitch? compared to everyone else's tempered-down entries, i seem a bit begrudged. should i care? i mean ultimately i have an on-line journal so someone could happen by and judge me, but i am here now, ranting and raving about people judging me and caring/ not caring about it. maybe i should stick with the more conventional book-typed, hand-written journal instead... ehh, i am vain.

I recently came back from a trip to china and hk. it was flying kick ass fun. made lots of new friends and made one really good friend. the point is that these friends i so easily made in just a few days seem to vanish so steadily fast. when we were there just last month we all made promises to call and write, to e-mail and im, but people are lost and nobody seems to care. is it true what they say about things being easy to come, easy to go? i see it as an accelerated form of the cycle of friendship. how can friendships be judged as everlasting? a promise at forever; is that even possible? most of us haven't even seen our best friends from elementary school since junior high, nevermind staying friends. so we put all of our precious feelings into a precious few people, entrusting them with our precious hearts and our precious secrets for as long as, well, forever (if we stand by that promise we made oh so long ago). but forever didn't last and for whatever stupid junior high reason, we are no longer friends. so what makes the friendships we enjoy now so valuable? are we going to stay friends 'forever'? is it an all for one, one for all, deal? i really hope to know.

"As we grow older, making friends is no longer as easy as it was when we were five. Share a cookie and you get an instant best friend for life. Through our entire twenty-something years, we have learned to hate, cheat, and stab each other in the backs, or someone has hated, cheated and stabbed us in the back..."