this is my last stand
there's no more time to bend
everyone has come to say good bye
i will hold my head up high
it's my last warm day
you lead me astray
take my sighs away
and let me stay
no more future
no more torture
no more smiles
not even denial

i’m sitting here and looking there but am nowhere to be found.
i’m always smiling and forever trying, always looking like a clown.
but all i’m feeling is how i’m kneeling down onto the ground.

i can’t do this anymore. i can't see us anymore. not even deep inside my core.
what can i do now? did you hear me scream loud? maybe i should just walk out.

there are days when i just can't see. times when life takes a hold of me. i scream and i scream, but no one can hear me.

hold my hand softly, lay me down gently, pull me in closely, tell me i'm lovely, but please don't forget me. i know you're leaving, just don't forget me.

impending doom

the doctor that kept talking. the tears that kept coming. the endless falling. i am lost, i am lost. i keep thinking and thinking. it doesn't help your misunderstanding. i can't stop seeing... your sullen eyes. please, please stop this crying. there is nothing i can say. please, please be brave.

death

life is most interesting when occurrences of the most unexpected nature occur.

we live knowing a certain fact about life - that life must end at some time. however delusional we are about our invincibility, we still know that one day it will all come to an end. there is fear associated with death. whether it is of the unknown, hell, or of leaving our dearly beloveds behind, there is certain fear. i am not afraid of death. i am, however, afraid of the painful course you must traverse in order to achieve death. my family has recently received the untimely news of my dad's cancer and his certain death. he is now at the fourth stage of metastatic colon cancer which has spread to and nearly taken over all of his liver. i will not pretend to love my father any more than i did before i found out this bit of news. he is still the same selfish, greedy, boot-licking father with aggression control issues. but i can now say that i do love him and enjoy reminiscing over childhood memories of him. i cannot understand my inability to accept his impending death. he was never much of a father in terms of what a model father should be. you know, the ABC friday special of full house and family matters type. yes, my father was far from that. and i have caught myself on many occasions wishing his early retirement into the netherworld. so why the sadness now? i feel like i wasn't given enough time. enough time to what? to be a better daughter. to love and respect him. to mature into a better daughter. i know that i am incapable of being that super daughter that he wants. i am just not mature enough. so i always thought, after i have children, i can relate to him more. i will be more patient, i will not be so easily annoyed, i will not argue with him. but i guess my time is up. i am so much of him, i hate myself. and now, all i can think about is the pain that awaits him. master wong, the mighty and powerful, the manliest macho man i know will be lying in a hospital bed staring at glaring fluorescent lights awaiting death, cold and frail. will i be there when he takes his last breath? how thin will he have gotten? my wicked thoughts of torturing him when he barred me from my wants surface. they say it's never too late to redeem yourself, but what's the point of doing so when judgement is knocking on your door? i'm so lost. somebody help me.

m.y.society

so we've finally done it. the store is open and with that, i feel a myriad of emotions. the strangest of which stems from tendering a sale to any customer. not to say i'm unhappy about receiving money, but i find it far more flattering that people actually enjoy what we've put out. whether the store actually makes money or not is a different matter. as of now, i find it pleasing just to see that we've satiated some need to the public. perhaps there was no need to begin with, but if there were, i'm glad we've done so.

there is a certain disappointment, though. how mightily awesome would it have been if i could stake claim to the title of "bid-ness owner" before the age of 25? unfortunately, that did not come true. ah well. there will be other goals to be met and this slight timing misfortune will not withhold my excitement.

my work

up coming events i am ecstatic about:

- one 2 year anniversary
- one grand opening
- one quarter century birthday

i'm not too enthusiastic about that last item, but sort of am. i guess i'll explain.
in terms of accomplishments... to the normal everyday person, my life most certainly seems bland, but to me... well, i feel good and bad.
i've taken baby steps to get to where i am today: jobless. it was hard graduating jr. high, high school, jr. college, and college. every graduation was a tiny victory for me. then i obtained what i thought i wanted: an 8 to 5 job managing a small office. and had lady chance not taken a small detour, i would be living in sacramento right now still feeling miserably trapped in. but no, i've taken a chance incomprehensible to me in prior years and am soon to become an entrepreneur. my excitement increases with each passing day...
i just returned from a trip to hong kong and china. my mission for that trip? acquisition of initial inventory. yes, it was my first ever business trip. how very lovely. though the trip was somewhat miserable save that of jack (i'm so grateful he was there with me), i still felt such a sense of accomplishment. i'm not quite sure how to explain it.
i don't care much to be a business owner. my parents were business owners and from what i saw, it seemed like nothing more than a headache. but this is different. this is more like a project for me, not another future job. it's something i can work towards and reap not only monetary benefits from, but also a sort of self satisfaction. it allows me to feel not quite so lost. and with an upcoming so-called turning of tides birthday, it seems all that much better. me, a business owner before the age of 25.
even better is that the love story that is my life is still in full swing. what pure happiness is this? june 3 marks the day of our second wonderful year together. we've been through much together, especially the last couple of months. there isn't much more i can wish for, only that my business does as well as i hope it to.